Ruth Van Reken's Article on Obama's TCK Team

Look at this interesting article on Obama's selection of TCKs...

MK Prayer

Father God,

You have planted us in soil far from our ancestral homes. You have asked us to walk your map and you have led us around the world and back again. We have seen your hand at work and we have felt your presence: in Venezuela, in China, in Indonesia, in Papua New Guinea, in Guatemala, in Japan. We have seen our parents follow your compass and chart their lives by your maps. We thank you for your presence and for your provision. Even as we are grateful we ask for your mercy.

Father God, we, missionary kids from every tribe and culture ask for your comfort. Would you enlarge our hearts to encompass the loss we have experienced? Would you comfort us and remind us of your presence as we say goodbye to friends and family, countries and cultures. We are weary of goodbyes. Sometimes we are weary of hellos.

Would you please draw near to us as we bear witness to a world in turmoil and darkness. We so often inhabit the last outpost,the "last homely house", the no man's land between the light and the pit. We have seen much and experienced much and the scars are on our hearts. Would you please release your healing on eyes that have seen too much too young, on tired and wounded hearts?

Precious Father, most importantly, would you daily remind us of who we are? Please root us in Yourself. Remind us that we find our identity in You alone and in the knowledge that we are strangers and aliens on this planet, passing through and on our way HOME.

Father God please use us for your Kingdom, as your Bridge People, as Restorers of the broken and the fragmented, as your Peacemakers, as those who offer your Comfort and your Healing. Please use our many languages, our many relationships, our longing for adventure, our love and respect for culture and for difference, our passion for the dark and forgotten places on this planet, our heart for the underdog and the marginalized. Please show us how to use our heritage for your purpose, for your kingdom. May it come quickly!!!

Amen

This short film was created by a TCK and does a great job of showing the complicated cultural bridging that a TCK must do to form a cohesive identity. It is GREAT!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dfOtZ0Fp1-U

Garden of Exotic Gifts

"To children who successfully navigate a lifetime of change, the world is a garden of exotic gifts, a house of treasures to explore and take in. Transferred from place to place, young and porous, they collect and absorb experiences, their personalities amalgams of those cultures they internalize and claim as their own. Perched for a while in a new environment, they experience each move as an occasion for growth, a chance to blossom in new ways.
These children see the world in all its richness and variety. Theirs is a privileged life, filled with opportunities to extend and enhance their knowledge of the earth and its people. Bilingual or even multilingual at an early age , immersed in an interrelated, interdependent world community, they are able to enjoy a broader and more mature perspective than many of their more rooted peers. Theirs is a global education. Though they may regret the loss of a unifying tradition or history, they are grateful for the variety of experiences to which they have been exposed."

Unrooted Childhoods- Memoirs of Growing Up Global
Faith Eidse and Nina Sichel

Ahh.....Re-Entry

"My advice about coming home? Don't."
Japanese businessman

Boundary States

" Transformation is the true destination of transition, whether it occurs in a myth or in an individual's everyday life. How transition does that is a mystery, but it somehow involves being in a boundary state, where you spend time near a boundary between one state and another, or one life-phase and the next. The borders of Oz are everywhere, although the price of passage to the other side is often nothing less than your life- at least your life as you have known it. "
The Way Of Transition- William Bridges

" Boundary surfaces are everywhere the places where living formative processes can find a hold; be it in cell membranes, surfaces of contact between cells, where life forces are mysteriously present; in the great boundary surfaces between the current systems of the oceans, where various currents flow past each other in different directions- these are known to be particularly rich in fish; or at the infinitely extensive surfaces of the natural and artificial filter systems of the earth, where the water seeping through is purified and given back its vital qualities."
Theodore Schwenck

" Life never presents us with anything which may not be looked upon as a fresh starting point, no less than as a termination."
Andre Gide

Heritage

Critical to the development of an MK's identity is an awareness and acknowledgement of our spiritual heritage. One remarkable member of our tribe is the late Ruth Bell Graham, evengelist Billy Graham's wife. Ruth was a missionary kid to China and attended boarding school in North Korea. She re-entered the U.S. to attend Wheaton College where she met Billy Graham. They married and had five children. Ruth credited her sacrifical sharing of her husband ( with the world!)to her heart for the lost which was kindled at a very early age in China. Ruth's faith sustained her during her long separations from her husband. The poem below shows the depth of her character and her awareness of her identity in Christ as she departs China for the U.S. to attend college:

Test me, Lord, and give me strength
to meet each test
unflinching, unafraid;
not striving nervously to do my best,
not self-assured, or careless as in jest,
but with Your aid.

Purge me, Lord, and give me grace
to bear the heat
of cleansing flame;
not bitter at my lowly lot, but meet
to bear my share of suffering and keep sweet,
in Jesus' Name.

Ruth Bell Graham
Aboard the S.S. President McKinley, leaving China for college in America. 1937

Perpetuating Marginality

More from Mary Edwards Wertsch:

"....military brats spend a great deal more of their childhoods on the outside looking in than on the inside looking out.....Standing on the sidelines observing other people's in-groups becomes a way of life- and the outsider way of life that was forced by circumstance during childhood is then perpetuated into adulthood by military brats who know no other way to be....While it is hard to perpetually live the outsider role, it is harder still to abandon it. The outsider role is the central paradox of a military brat's life. A sense of belonging is our single greatest need and our single greatest quest- yet many military brats perpetuate their own marginality by making choices that are guaranteed to keep them on the outside."

Psychological Diaspora

Mary Edwards Wertsch, a TCK/military brat who authored the landmark study," Military Brats: Legacies of Childhood Inside the Fortress", writes about belonging and loss in this excerpt from her essay, entitled, "Outside Looking In":

"The first legacy of military childhood transience is what might be called the psychological diaspora. As adults most of us manage to slow or stop the moving- and yet still we find ourselves caught up in a strange migration. It is a migration of the soul, all the more mysterious to us because it has no clear origin and no certain goal.
There is only one antidote to the angst of the diaspora. Belonging. It is not easy for a military brat to learn what that even means, much less to find it. Yet belonging is the single greatest quest of our lives, a quest that lives in many of us as a powerful unnamed yearning.
My feeling is that it is crucial for military brats to put the right name to this yearning, face our unrequited need to belong, and address it as best we can.... Another corollary seems to be that for military brats, a prerequisite to belonging is grieving over not belonging and repeated loss. That stands to reason: it is necessary to break down the old immunity before one can become attached to something new. And belonging, more than anything else, is about attachment."

" I Have To Do It On My Own..."

"I had a profound spiritual life the year before I went to Taitung. I learned to pray to God and felt close to Him. However because everything in my set changed upon arriving Taiwan, and I had very little emotional support. I felt like even God Himself did not care anymore. I felt like He didn't hear my prayers. Later on, I found out God had been faithful to me, but it was my feelings towards my parents, my sister and my environment that caused me to lose my trust in God. Because of my feelings, here are the lies I believed:

'When I experience grief, loss and culture shock, God is not with me and He does not help me. He doesn't care how I feel and He won't be there to see me through. Moreover, significant people in my life will not be there for me as well. I have to do it on my own.' "

Spiritual Heritage Of TCKs
Cindy Loong

"Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel,
'My way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by
my God?' Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary,and His understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Isaiah 40:27-31

" When a family embarks on a missionary career, they have chosen to be more stretched culturally, personally, and spiritually. This is not because God considers them better than others, but because God has chosen to reveal His grace through their lives. The pain of the relational, cultural and even spiritual gaps of the missionary life is part and parcel of the missionary calling. It is what missionary families sign up for."

Growing Up Global- What a TCK's Life Is Like
Compiled and Edited By Cindy Loong

Bridge People

The identity of the global nomad/TCK lends itself to the act of bridging: continents, governments, relationships, subcultures,schools of thought, war zones, nationalities. Global nomads straddle the dizzying chasms between different groups their entire lives.
Marie Arana, author of American Chica, a memoir of her life straddling her father's Peruvian family and her mother's Wyoming ranch family, writes beautifully about this tension:

"I love to walk a bridge and feel that split second when I am neither here nor there, when I am between going and coming, when I am God's being in transit, suspended between ground and ground. You could say that it's because I'm an engineer's daughter and curious about solid structures. I've always been fascinated by the fit of a joint, the balance in trestles, the strength of a plinth. Or you could say it's because I'm a musician's daughter, who knows something about the architecture of instruments. I've pulled string over a bridge on a violin, stretched it tight, anticipated sound.
It could be, perhaps, because I am neither engineer nor musician. Because I'm neither gringa nor Latina. Because I 'm not any one thing. I live on bridges; I've earned my place on them, stand comfortably when I'm on one, content with betwixt and between.
I've spent a lifetime contemplating my mother and father, studying their differences. I count both their cultures as my own. But I'm happy to be who I am, strung between identities, shuttling from one to another, switching from brain to brain. I am the product of people who launched from one land to another, who slipped into other skins, lived by other rules-yet never put their cultures behind them..."

Identity

"My upbringing taught me that cultures are not isolated, and perish when deprived of contact with what is different and challenging. Reading,writing,teaching,learning, are all activities aimed at introducing civilizations to each other. No culture, I have believed unconsciously ever since then, and quite consciously today, retains its identity in isolation; IDENTITY IS ATTAINED IN CONTACT, IN CONTRAST, IN BREAKTHROUGH."

Carlos Fuentes

RE-ENTRY

" In our attempt to reach the world, let us not overlook the reentry needs of those whose world has expanded, whose hearts have been broken and burdened, whose minds have been instructed and whose spirits have been set on fire."

Re-entry Guide For Short-Term Mission Leaders
Lisa Espineli-Chin

BOTH / AND MOSAICS

These mosaics were done by MKs at InnerCHANGE conference. They represent the incredible cultural uniqueness of each child (eg.Cambodian/American,Venezuelan/German/American,Guatemalan/Venezuelan). They are a reminder that the formation of a cultural identity is not an EITHER/OR choice but rather a BOTH/AND incorporation of all cultural influences. The end result is a lot like a beautiful mosaic. I cannot wait to see the gorgeous and utterly unique ways in which each of these kids grows into their cultural identity.

Homes Sweet Homes

I just got home from InnerCHANGE conference where I was lucky enough to get to hang out with 15 missionary kids for five days. We did a lot of cool stuff together including spending a part of each day brainstorming what exactly InnerCHANGE kids have in common. We then immortalized our list on a HUGE banner showing each kid's unique collection of "homes". Most kids had at least four places they felt a strong connection to.

So, in their own words, InnerCHANGE kids share these traits:

- We are an order among the poor
- We are RADICAL
- We are scattered
- We are adaptable
- We are like family
- We are united
- We share friendship
- We have a 3D worldview
- We are as tough as nails! (They really are!)

Spending time with these kids reinforced my long held belief that MKs are my favourite people group. :)

Why I Love Missionary Kids....

I just had the incredible privilege of helping some missionary kids prepare for a major move. I had a wonderful time with them (they were amazing kids!) and plenty of opportunity to ruminate over why it is that I am so utterly devoted to missionary kids: :)

- They come from good stock-MKs have parents who are passionate and courageous enough to follow God's call to be sojourners. That trickles down in a major way!

- To get a glimpse through their eyes is to see the shifting shapes and colours of a kaleidoscope. Host culture, passport culture, family, mission/church and school culture all colliding and reconfiguring constantly.

- I am fascinated by their HIDDEN CONTEXT: I love nothing better than to hear their stories, and boy do they have some good ones!

- I am blown away by their potential. The catalyst of an international childhood in a home with a focus on reaching people for Jesus churns out some incredibly intense, focused and skilled people with a passion for changing the world.

- In spite of their remarkable potential, they are frequently voiceless within mission organizations. Often leadership are not interested in them until they are old enough for productivity, missing a vital opportunity to develop, shape and hone people with gifting and skills naturally suited to mission work.

- I love missionary kids because the road they walk is difficult, confusing and lonely at times. They need the support of adults within the mission organization who are available to advocate for them and bear witness to the complexity of their journey.

Harken, Fellow Chameleons....

I have been talking to a lot of fellow TCKs in their mid twenties and early thirties about the flip side of their spooky ability to adapt in any situation. I came across an anonymous quote in the excellent anthology, Strangers At Home, by Carolyn Smith, that nicely sums up what I have been hearing:

"The one thing I haven't really conquered has to do with the downsides of the ability to adapt. I became aware that I was too good at adapting, that I could fit into any crowd very quickly and effectively, no matter what kind of a group it was. Privately I would hold back and have a lot of private judgements about it...and after a while I began to realize that this was dishonest. For example, in a professional setting, rather than challenge, I became very skillful at figuring out how to advance my agenda using language and concepts they would respond to. To some extent that's a good thing to know. But after a certain point it becomes manipulative...I've stated it at its most extreme. But I began to be aware at some point in late twenties that I needed to be careful. I was too good at it."

What do you all think? Can you relate? What do you think drives this behaviour? Wanna talk about it? :):)

On Mobility....

"Like nomads we moved with the seasons....As with the seasons, each move offered something to look forward to while something had to be given up...We learned early that 'Home' was an ambiguous concept, and, wherever we lived, some essential part of our lives was always someplace else. So we were always of two minds. We learned to be happy and sad at the same time. We learned to be independent and accept that things were out of our control...We had security and consolation that whenever we left one place we were returning to another, already familiar one."

Paul Seaman

Storm Center

"Children are the storm center in the battle between the forces of God and those of the evil one."

Shiferaw Michael

Practical Implications for Engaging Children in the Great Commission

- Children are an essential part of God's mission in that they represent one of the largest missiological segments in today's world.

- Not only are children a key missiological people group, children are key actors in implementing the Great Commission.

- By employing the "Joseph principle" (Child as an agent of God's provision), mission agencies can educate, disciple, and mobilize children so that children can become the agents of social transformation for their families and their communities.

- The "Samuel principle" (Child as prophet) calls for mission agencies to intentionally evangelize and involve children as bearers of the good news of salvation.

- While armies and political systems have manipulated children and youth to become innocent casualties of the wars which those systems support, ministries understand the value that spirit-filled children and youth have in leading their communities to justice, righteousness, and liberation.

- Children and youth are some of the most valuable resources in the community. Because of their energy, boldness, creativity, and ingenuity, children have the capacity to mobilize immeasurable resources for the holistic transformation of their communities.

-Children are the epitome of the kingdom incarnated by the Messiah. Christ came as a child and grew into the Rabbi of Nazareth so that people of all ages could experience and carry the redeeming mission of our loving father.

- Finally, children should be considered as partners in mission. When filled by the Spirit of God , children can and will discuss with "experienced" ministers the matters of the kingdom. They, too, will respond to us, " Why were you looking for me? Didn't you know that I had to be here dealing with the things of my Father?"

Understanding God's Heart for Children- Toward a Biblical Framework
Children and God's Mission- Gustavo Crocker with Karissa Glanville

Interesting.....

Laila Plamondon, a TCK and student at Smith College, recently did a study of 309 TCKs looking to answer the question: What factors predict mental health in TCKs after repatriation? She measured general mental health, reacculturation and identity formation in all 309 participants and found that:

1- Suprisingly, the number of assignments abroad and the number of years spent abroad had NO EFFECT on successful reacculturaltion, a sense of adult identity, a sense of communal identity or mental health!

2- However, the more times a TCK repatriates (that is, re-enters their passport culture)the more difficult it is to solidify an adult identity and achieve a communal identity.

3- Bad experiences in the host country make reacculturation to the passport country more difficult.

* The average age of the participants was 20.89. It would be very interesting to reassess them in 5 years or so.

CHALLENGES

Most TCK/MKs are able to maximise the benefits of their upbringing to dazzling effect. There are, however, certain challenges unique to the culture that can at times short-circuit healthy development. Whether you are an adult TCK or a parent to one it can be helpful to understand some of the ways in which TCKs can struggle.

UNRESOLVED GRIEF- Obviously TCKs do not have a corner on grief, however, there are aspects of the experience that can result in unresolved grief that is potentially damaging. Here are a few characteristics of losses TCKs experience that can result in unresolved grief:

- losses are MULTIPLE and SIMULTANEOUS- much MK loss occurs repeatedly and all at the same time. For example, with one plane ride an entire culture and community of friends is lost along with smells, foods, flora and fauna and language.

- losses are HIDDEN- and often experienced as the flip side of wonderful experiences. It is difficult to grieve when no one else appears to be and when you can't put your finger on what exactly it is that you have lost. For example, hidden losses of TCKs could include: a loss of status in their host or passport country, loss of an entire lifestyle, loss of culturally appropriate role models and mentors, loss of a past that wasn't, loss of a system identity such as a mission org or the military, repeated loss of control over environment.

- TCK loss has the potential to be UNACKNOWLEDGED and UNRESOLVED- when losses are hidden it is difficult to name them. Missionary kids especially can feel that they are unable to give voice to their hurts because often their grief is compared to a higher good and (unintentionally) discounted as a part of the "call" on their lives. This may be true (or not) but it is not comforting to a child's heart.

-TCK loss is often EXPERIENCED ALONE. All grief can be isolating but the combination of loss occurring in developmental years and as part of a family system that brings benefits as well as pain means that very often the TCK opts to experience his/her pain alone. Due to the isolation of the family unit the TCK has very few options to seek out for comfort. If the family is not functioning well the child grieves alone.

-Another commonly experienced source of unresolved grief is the weight of continued EXPOSURE TO PAIN and SUFFERING. Many MKs accompany their parents to difficult places. They see frightening and disturbing things. Their ability to assimilate the things that they see and sometimes experience personally depends on many factors. This sort of grief is widespread among missionary kids especially.

IDENTITY ISSUES- The formation of the core identity of a TCK is a complicated process. The TCK must synthesize two, three and sometimes more distinct cultural frames of reference. This takes a while! It takes longer to discover who you are and especially where you fit. When relationships have not been stable and long term it is difficult to see any cohesive reflection of yourself anywhere: culturally or in any sense. Identity is all about belonging to a tribe. When you don't know who your tribe is it is very bewildering. This can play out in many different ways:

UNEVEN MATURITY: TCKs can appear to be mature beyond their years and in many ways they are. They have often experienced more autonomy of movement than their monocultural peers, they often can communicate fluently in several languages, they can relate well to adults, they have been exposed to so much of the world that their knowledge base is very broad. On the other hand, TCKs can be extremely socially awkward in certain situations, especially in their passport culture. They also seem to need to maintain very close ties with their nuclear family for longer than seems "normal" to a monocultural. This can all be very bewildering to everyone involved. It can feel like dissonance to see a person who is so confident in some areas and so insecure in others. TCKs have a distinctly different developmental timeline than monoculturals!

DELAYED ADOLESCENCE: TCK adolescence seems to occur in the mid to late twenties and sometimes even later. This delay occurs for several reasons. The TCK has no single culture to push against during the teen years like the mono cultural does. Cultural rules are fluid and relative to the moment and are difficult to internalize and then differentiate from. In some TCKs this delay occurs because there has been such cultural compliance in the host country. It was simply impossible to push back in any way due to safety concerns or a deeply held desire to maintain credibility in the community or sponsoring organisation. Frequently this delayed adolescence can be a time where the TCK rebels. It is especially scary to witness a delayed adolescent rebellion because the stakes are so much higher when a rebellion occurs in the twenties as opposed to the teen years.

ITCHY FEET(Migratory Instinct): When there has been a lot of mobility in a child's life a migratory instinct can develop. Many TCKs feel a strong desire to move according to the pattern that they moved when they were young. Some TCKs will completely start over many, many times. Obviously there are benefits to this flexibility. When patterns of mobility effect intimate relationships or result in NO intimate relationships there is a problem. In extreme situations TCKs can use mobility (even excessive travel) to keep intimate relationships at bay.

RE-ENTRY: For many TCKs re-entry to the passport can be difficult and can trigger many of the above behaviours. The TCK often enters the passport country as a HIDDEN IMMIGRANT, one who looks like he belongs but has very little of the shared cultural experience of the passport nation. Depending on the age and personal wiring of the TCK this experience of marginality can be rough, especially when it is unexpected.

Some of the perks....

There are two basic overlays to the life of the TCK/MK: MOBILITY and EARLY CROSS-CULTURAL EXPOSURE. It is through this matrix that MK development occurs. The effects of these two themes result in a distinct culture in spite of the diversity of experience represented by this group. A child raised by English business people in Dubai will have more in common culturally with a child raised by American missionaries to Singapore than either will with monocultural members of their passport culture(including their parents!).

In brief, some of the amazing perks of this upbringing are seen in who the TCK/MK grows up to be:

-Adaptable: These people are adaptable and generally at home with change. Many in this group seek out change as a way of life and feel most alive and “in the zone” in the adaptive state. They often relish the role of the pioneer and trailblazer. In fact, most MKs characterize adaptability as a core strength and an important and valued (and often hard won) aspect of their identity.

-Cross-culturally Savvy: Cross- cultural immersion at an early age usually results in heightened cultural sensitivity. MKs are often gifted interpreters of culture and are utilized as “bridge” people frequently in their professions. MKs can have an intuitive grasp of correct behavior in cultures they have encountered even infrequently. They are gifted observers and enter a new culture with their eyes, not their mouths! Their high comfort level even within a culture that is new to them means that often they are culturally adventurous and tolerant.

- Relational: MKs are generally very relational people. They place a high value on relationships and are gifted in their ability to maximize relationships and maintain them over geographical distances. Due to their exposure to so many kinds of people at a very young age they are often very broadly relationally competent and can find ways to relate to almost anyone. This early exposure also results in relational tolerance and acceptance and appreciation of all kinds of people.

-Compassionate: Most MKs have experienced life as a marginal minority. They have also grown up in families where ministry is the central focus. As a result they are very aware of the underdog and are drawn to advocacy and ministry that is focused on those who have no voice. In fact, over half of the TCK population seeks employment within the non-profit sector. This orientation outwards to the needs of the marginalized is a hallmark of the culture.

-Highly Motivated: This is a group of self-starters. For the most part MKs are highly motivated and productive people. They are generally fast-paced, independent and resourceful.

Norma McCaig summarizes these benefits well:

"The benefits of this upbringing need to be underscored: In an era when global vision is an imperative, when skills in intercultural communication, linguistic ability, mediation, diplomacy, and the management of diversity are critical, global nomads are better equipped in these areas by the age of eighteen than are many adults...These intercultural and linguistic skills are the markings of the cultural chameleon- the young participant observer who takes note of verbal and non-verbal cues and readjusts accordingly, taking on enough of the coloration of the social surroundings to gain acceptance while maintaining some vestige of identity as a different animal, an 'other.'"

Definition of TCK

"A TCK is an individual who, after having spent a significant part of the developmental years in a culture other than that of their parents,develops a sense of relationship to all of the cultures while not having full ownership in any. Elements from each culture are incorporated into the life experience, but the sense of belonging is in relationship to others of similar experience."

Third Culture Kids- The Experience of Growing Up Among Worlds
David C. Pollock and Ruth E. Van Reken

Home

Upon arrival in the "new" Narnia...


"It was the Unicorn who summed up what everyone was feeling. He stamped his right forehoof on the ground and neighed, and then cried:

'I have come home at last! This is my real country! I belong here. This is the land I have been looking for all my life, though I never knew it till now. The reason why we loved the old Narnia is that it sometimes looked a little like this. Bree-hee-hee! Come further up, come further in!'"


C.S.Lewis
The Last Battle

"A wise traveller never despises his own country."

Carlo Goldoni

Adult Missionary Kids

"How do we harness this colourfulness
and vibrancy for the sake of the Great
Commission while also nurturing
commitment to God and others,
Christ honouring accountability, a
firm conviction of personal identity,
comprehensive relational capacities,
and a willingness to grieve and to
resolve conflict?"

Dr Rosalea Cameron
To Recruit or not to Recruit Adult Missionary Kids: Is that (really) the question?

Another Way

"...But we've been home five months now, and I'm not sure we belong in California anymore either. We're struggling to reconcile the Mexican sky that now fills our hearts with the daily grind of a more or less upwardly mobile life...Perhaps we've become permanent expatriates- neither fish nor fowl, forever lost no matter our location. But this fluidity also means that we're now like mermaids and centaurs- magic creatures who always know there's another way."

Gina Hyams
EXPAT-Women's True Tales of Life Abroad

Norma McCaig's "Seven C's"

"We traveled through time and landscape in our own bubble, touching down here, resting there, floating for just a moment before gently- or not so gently- setting down again, always with the knowledge that no matter what happened outside our fragile shell, we were what counted- the 'us'."Adrienne Scherger-A Childhood Inbetween

Norma McCaig, the founder of Global Nomads International, has developed the seven "C"s for parenting TCKs. These "C"s are a wonderful reminder of ways to help your child form a strong core identity and mitigate loss. Here they are:

Caring and Communication-Your child's ability to feel your love and to communicate freely with you is extremely significant in any setting but is especially so for the family that is abroad. Cultivate a strong bond with your children and establish daily patterns of communication that help your children to debrief their days. A wonderful rhythm to adopt is that of the Examen. In the book Making Heart Bread, by Dennis Linn,Sheila Fabriant Linn, and Matthew Linn this process is described for children. This tool is a phenomenal way to teach children to take stock of their day and to sit with and care for their emotions. This tool is powerful in the prevention of accumulated grief and anger.(The Linns teach the Examen to adults in their wonderful book, Sleeping With Bread:Holding What Gives You Life) Children are much more likely to stay connected verbally in times of crisis when they have already formed a habit of doing so.

2- Collaboration- It is very common for TCKs to feel very little control over their lives, this belief can bleed into their theology and sense of identity. It is important to give these children as many real choices as you can. Encourage your children to take ownership for their surroundings,an obvious example would be to give them choice in the decor of their bedrooms. Teaching globally mobile children to nest and settle into their environment is a skill that many only learn in adulthood. "Living lightly" or resisting investment in both people and places can be a challenge that mobile people face. Collaborate with your child as you adjust to new environments. Teach them to make themselves physically comfortable in their new surroundings.
Collaboration is an important aspect of empowering the MK. When children consistently feel as though their input is sought out and valued and incorporated into their family's decision making process they begin to build confidence in their own ability to make decisions. Making decisions, especially long term decisions can be an area of weakness for many MKs. Early collaboration in family decisions can combat this tendency.
Many times missionaries have unique opportunities to collaborate with their children in the work that they do.When children feel as though they have been a valued part of their parent's ministry they tend to fare better in adolescence. Never assume that your children fully understand why you do what you do or even why you are in your host country.Regularly discuss all of the "whys" of your current situation. Use your vision casting skills in your home!


3- Continuity- There are four areas in which continuity may be practiced even for highly mobile people: furniture, photos, food and family rituals. Norma McCaig says to,"hang on to the first as much as possible from post to post, take lots of the second, for the third, prepare standard family comfort foods, and maintain and create a goodly number of the fourth."
It is important to remember when you engage in family rituals you are creating a history of shared practice with your children.These practices shape and provide visible structure to your shared heritage. You as the nuclear family are often the ONLY sharers of a unique and varied history where your unit is the only constant. Work hard to creatively express your family culture and regularly identify it to your children.
It is easier than at any other time in history to maintain connection and relational continuity with family and friends back in the passport country. Use the technology available to keep your children connected to their relatives. This goes a long way towards mitigating the perceived finality of a move and also helps to smooth a re-entry.

4- Closure and Connection- This is an area that is often overlooked. Unless parents have good closure skills kids have very few chances to pick them up. It is vital to learn about closure and walk your kids through healthy goodbyes. Remember that global nomad children say more goodbyes before the age of eighteen than many mono-culturals do in a lifetime. Even if you experience relatively low mobility abroad chances are that people are always in transition around you and your children are saying many, many goodbyes in spite of their relative geographic stability. The grief associated with these goodbyes can accumulate unless intentional effort is made to grieve productively. It can be dfficult and frightening to watch a child grieve. This is especially true if you have not done your own grieving. Communicate to your child that pain around goodbyes is an appropriate emotion that honours what the person ( or location, or pet, etc) has meant to you. Teach your children to incorporate things that they have valued about what or whom they have lost. For example, if your children deeply love an aspect of a culture that you are leaving, allow them to incorporate it into your family culture. If your children miss an especially kind friend,teach them to incorporate that kindness into their own values.
Dave Pollock, co-author with Ruth Van Reken of Third Culture Kids- The Experience of Growing Up Among Worlds developed the easy to remember acronym RAFT to remind sojourners of the importance of leaving right. RAFT is explained in the following link: http://theirrationalseason.blogspot.com/2008/04/raft.html Teach this to your children. Help them to start "building" three to six months before leaving if possible. Give them the RAFT tool and facilitate their completion of it as a way of helping them to feel in control of their grief process. Adjustment to the next location is directly related to how well you were able to leave the first. If there is unfinished business of any kind, especially relationally, it is difficult to give yourself completely to the next adjustment cycle.

5- Cultural Identity Confirmation- It is extremely important that in addition to confirming the national identities of MKs that their identities as global nomads are also confirmed. This is a place of potential conflict for many global nomads and their parents. It is important for parents to grasp that they are raising children who are forming a distinctly different cultural identity and that the end product may feel little or no allegiance to the passport culture. Dr. Barbara Schaetti of Transition Dynamics suggests several ways to reinforce this identity:

- Be sure that as parents you are aware of the benefits and challenges of an internationally mobile childhood. Discuss these with your older children and help them look for ways to use the skills they are learning.

- Affirm your child's ability to move seamlessly between cultures. Point out the ways in which they intuitively act appropriately in each of their cultures.

- Try to help your children find a peer group to whom they belong. When kids re-enter the passport country it is vital that they are able to connect with others who have lived internationally and share their cultural identity.

- Help your children to creatively think through ways in which their international childhood can help them meet their professional goals.

- Help your children to realise that the same skills they use in any cross cultural interaction can be objectified and used in their passport culture. Help them, via modeling, to approach culture in a non-judging, learning posture.

...an exile's feeling...

"I have been a queer mixture of the East and West, out of place everywhere, at home nowhere...I cannot be of the West. But in my own country, also, sometimes, I have an exile's feeling."

Jawaharlal Nehru
1st Prime Minister of India

Energy and Creativity

I can't be Japanese and I can't be Western- but I understand both. I am double-binded, but- and this is perhaps most important- I am also in a position that generates a great deal of energy and creativity."
Arata Isozaki
creator of "schizophrenic eclectic" architecture

Cat's Feet...

TCK/MK grief is sneaky. It creeps in on tiny cat's feet as the stamps in the passport pile up. It finds its way in between the African sunset and the family reunion in Chicago. It is grief that is very often the flip side of incredibly rich and varied experiences. For many TCKs it only begins to really make itself known in the early to mid thirties while for others it has been a companion since childhood. For the vast majority of globally nomadic people grief must be reckoned with. There are several reasons why this particular variety of grief can be difficult to spot and mitigate:

- losses are experienced during developmental years- when loss is experienced during childhood and very young adulthood it is processed very differently than in adulthood. It can be buried much more deeply and can be difficult to access and understand.

- losses are multiple and simultaneous- much MK loss occurs repeatedly and all at the same time. For example, with one plane ride an entire culture and community of friends is lost along with smells, foods, flora and fauna and language.

- losses are hidden- and often experienced as the flip side of wonderful experiences, who wouldn't want to visit all of the extended family in four states and then fly back to Bangkok via Manila?? It is difficult to grieve when no one else appears to be and when you can't put your finger on what exactly it is that you have lost. For example, hidden losses of TCKs could include: a loss of status in their host or passport country, loss of an entire lifestyle, loss of culturally appropriate role models and mentors, loss of a past that wasn't, loss of a system identity such as a mission org or the military, repeated loss of control over environment.

- TCK loss has the potential to be unacknowledged and unresolved- when losses are hidden it is difficult to name them. Missionary kids especially can feel that they are unable to give voice to their hurts
because often their grief is compared to a higher good and discounted as a part of the "call" on their lives. This may be true (or not) but it is not comforting to a child's heart.

-TCK loss is often experienced alone. All grief can be isolating but the combination of loss occurring in developmental years and as part of a family system that brings benefits as well as pain means that very often the TCK opts to experience his/her pain alone. Due to the isolation of the family unit the TCK has very few options to seek out for comfort. If the family is not functioning well the child grieves alone.

" If mission agencies are to recruit MKs into adult missionary service they need to begin with the current generation of MKs; these who are yet children need to be the focus of mobilization personnel. If we invest in the lives of these ones who are still in the process of understanding the character of God and of choosing an autonomous identity , we have the greatest opportunity of mobilizing an army of missionaries in the next generation who are well equipped for the ongoing mandate of the Great Commission."

Dr Rosalea Cameron
International Journal of Frontier Missions

Hidden Context

"Once I knew a charm to bring a snail out of its shell, but it was in a language I no longer know in a country I shall never live in again...There was an unalterable otherness that comes from being raised in a very different time and place, perhaps one that has made me a perpetual traveler..I shall always know that the bridge of my nose is too high."
Betsy-raised in China

TCKs often have a fascinating backstory that never seems relevant in their passport country. They have a context that has shaped them that is completely hidden from the world that they have re-entered and are currently navigating. This issue is addressed in the book Hidden Immigrants- Legacies of Growing Up Abroad by Linda Bell. In it a TCK describes what it is like to access her hidden context after many years:

"...I hadn't been in Africa for many, many years- not since Zaire in 1975...So I thought, how much of this is left from my childhood?...Is there anything that is really in me, or was it just an experience? We touched down in Nairobi and I was right back home in five seconds..the closeness of the atmosphere, the humidity, the hibiscus- everything was just screaming. " You're home, you're home!"...then..out on safari, and all of a sudden this stuff I didn't know I knew started coming out of my mouth which I didn't know I knew about these animals, about their habits and about how rock hyraxes are the closest relative to the elephant. Everybody looked at me like, "You're out of your mind"..It was all stuff I had learned from being on safaris before in East Africa and just stuff I accumulated; information that had been totally useless to me all the rest of my life and had never come out of hiding...So there are all these compartmentalized bits of knowledge that I never use in this country- and never have the right clues to open the floodgates and tap into that stuff. Yet under the right circumstances, obviously, it's right there."

Common Cultural Heritage

Missionary kids can, at times, struggle to find where they fit culturally. They do not completely fit into their host culture or back into their passport culture. They do not often feel like they fit into the culture of their parent's sending organization. Although they are gifted adapters and can tack expertly into the winds of change it is vitally important that we as parents understand that the cultural heritage most like that of our children is found in:

- children of international business people

- diplomatic corp kids

- military kids stationed overseas

- the children of emigrants

- other missionary kids

This is the group to which our children most relate. Part of health for the TCK is recognizing how beautifully they fit into this group, how despite its diversity (which only makes it more fun) it is culturally distinct and remarkably cohesive.

The "true abiding -place"

"If you came back, you wanted to leave again; if you went away, you longed to come back. Wherever you were, you could hear the call of the home-land, like the note of a herdsman's horn far away in the hills. You had one home out there, and one over here, and yet you were an alien in both places. Your true abiding-place was the vision of something very far off, your soul was like the waves, always restless, forever in motion."

Johan Bojer
The Emigrants

"After having to depend on myself so many times in the past, my 'home' is made up of those memories and emotions I have collected over time from which I can draw comfort and strength as needed. In effect, 'home' is the place I can go in my mind where culture is a mix from many places and belonging can be taken for granted...It's as if we global nomads have replaced the physical home of non-nomads...with an internal 'home' we can go to when we need a respite from the world."

Brian Lev

The Big Two

Counselor Sharon Wilmer states that the two most pressing needs of the missionary kids that she counsels are:

~ a need for a clearer understanding that they are "persons created in the image of God"

~ a need for comfort


Identity and grief...that about sums it up.....

"When I travel, I renew myself. I make sense of my life, and I see the patterns of it, I make the connections between where I have been and where I am going. It is through travel that I find my 'present'."

Lisa Linblad~ Lisa Linblad Travel Design
(raised by "wandering expatriate" parents)

Curiosity and Intercultural Competence

Dr. Janet Bennett states that the intercultural competency of "inquisitiveness" or curiosity is essential for effective global leadership. Curiosity is the motivating factor that propels people from the 'ignorance is bliss' stage of cultural "unconscious incompetence" over the cultural bumps along the way to "conscious incompetence" then "conscious competence" and finally, most wonderfully, to "unconscious competence"; the holy grail of intercultural sensitivity. She cites Stewart Black's model of global leadership which portrays inquisitiveness as the keystone that supports all other intercultural competencies. Bennett and Black, among others, suggest that curiosity:

~ Creates action that is associated with learning
~ Inspires leaders to ask questions that help them recognize opportunities
~ Fosters more appropriate decision making, especially in a context where the data are unreliable
~ Develops cultural self-awareness
~ Focuses attention to significant cultural differences that impact effectiveness

Curiosity, not suprisingly, is quashed by:

~ Overloading employees
~ Breeding mere compliance with excessive rules
~ Developing risk aversion, dogmatism and control
~ Blaming and finding fault
~ Creating a culture of fear

Research on curiosity has shown that:

~ Curiosity is a significant determinant of expatriate adjustment. (Mendenhall, Kuhlman,& Stahl, 2002 )

~ Building a culture of learning and innovation has been noted by global business executives as the most effective way to mobilize people. ( Rosen & Dih, 2000 )

~ The practice of curiosity and information seeking does not lessen as people age. ( Giambra, Camp,& Grodsky, 1992 )


Adapted from a presentation given by Dr. Janet Bennett at the Families in Global Transition Conference, 2007

MK Care is Strategic

" If MKs have a head start on managing a a globally mobile life than it makes sense to invest in them as children and give them opportunities to explore the call of God into adult missionary service as well as to develop a comprehensive capacity to live out that life at the highest level of competence...Intervention should begin while an MK is an MK. If we truly believe that the MK developmental experience will result in at least some characteristics that will enhance missionary competence than it behooves mission agencies to direct resources and attention to hone such such qualities in these potential recruits."


Dr. Rosalea Cameron
To Recruit or Not to Recruit Adult Missionary Kids: Is that(Really) the Question?
International Journal of Frontier Missions

Amy Carmichael

Father, hear us, we are praying,
Hear the words our hearts are saying,
We are praying for our children.
Keep them from the powers of evil,
From the secret, hidden peril,
From the whirlpool that would suck them,
From the treacherous quicksand pluck them.
From the worldling's hollow gladness,
From the sting of faithless sadness,
Holy Father, save our children.
Through life's bitter battle cheer them.
Father, Father, be Thou near them.
Read the language of our longing,
Read the wordless pleadings thronging.
Holy Father, for our children,
And wherever they may bide,
Lead them Home at eventide.

Amy Carmichael

Thoughts on "HOME"

" I must keep alive in myself the desire for my true country, which I shall not find till after death, I must never let it get snowed under or turned aside, I must make it the main object of life to press on to that other country and to help others do the same."
C.S.Lewis
Mere Christianity

"By faith, Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God."
Hebrews 11:8-10

"The man who finds his homeland sweet is still a tender beginner; he to whom every soil is as his native one is already strong; but he is perfect to whom the entire world is as a foreign land."
Hugo of St. Victor
12th century Saxon monk

"All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own...they were longing for a better country- a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them."
Hebrews 11:13-16

"It won't be long , I belong
Somewhere past this setting sun
Find me free, find me strong
Somewhere back where I belong

My wound goes deeper than the skin
There's no hiding it
So I'm not trying it

My hope runs underneath it all
The day that I'll be home

It won't be long, I belong
Somewhere past this setting sun
Find me free, find me strong
Somewhere back where I belong."
Switchfoot
The Setting Sun

FAMILY

"Compared to the geographically stable child the global nomad child is inordinately reliant on the nuclear family for affirmation, behaviour modeling, support and above all, a place of safety. The impact, therefore, of dysfunction in this most basic of units is exacerbated by the mobile lifestyle."

Norma McCaig
Founder and President of Global Nomads International

Top 3

According to Interaction's Director of TCK Services, Libby Stephens, the three questions TCKs most frequently ask are:

"Who am I really?"

"Where do I belong?"

"Why does it hurt so much?"

Pico, again

" For a Global Soul like me- for anyone born to several cultures- the challenge in the modern world is to find a city that speaks to as many of our homes as possible. The process of interacting with a place is a little like the rite of a cocktail party, at which, upon being introduced to a stranger, we cast about to find a name, a place, a person we might have in common: a friend is someone who can bring as many of our selves to the table as possible. "

Pico Iyer
The Global Soul

R.A.F.T.

"We are all in the same boat in a stormy sea and we owe each other a terrible loyalty."
G.K. Chesterton

Transition never occurs in a vacuum. It involves people at every turn. Part of transitioning well means being mindful of the process involved in saying good-bye. If we give ourselves the time and space to say good-bye well we are freer at our destination to say hello with our whole hearts.

RAFT is an acrostic denoting a pre-departure process developed by the late Dave Pollock, founder of Interaction International. It is useful to begin the RAFT process up to 6 months before leaving.

R- RECONCILIATION- Begin building your raft by asking yourself if you have any relationships that need mending. Is there any unfinished business between you and someone you are in relationship with? This is the time to give and receive forgiveness. Bitterness and regret stemming from lack of closure and resolution inhibit good grief and adjustment to a new location. Mend your fences!!

A- AFFIRMATION- This is the time to thank the people who have been involved in your life. Affirm the relationships you have made and what they have meant to you. Take the time to tell people what you have learned from them and how grateful you are for them. Try to leave as little unsaid as possible when you leave a place.

F- FAREWELLS- Say good-byes to people, places, pets and possessions that have mattered to you. Take lots of pictures. Take the time to say culturally appropriate good-byes. Some cultures require a lengthy departure process. Particularly difficult farewells are the ones that are generally rushed or put off, plan ahead and give the farewell its due.

T- THINK DESTINATION- Think and dream about where you are going and what it will be like. Be very honest about the expectations you have for the people and situations that you are going to. Be honest with yourself about how you feel about this transition. Think ahead to what scares you or excites you about where you are going. Research the realities of your destination. If at all possible, put concrete plans in place.

Are you an Encapsulated or Constructive Cultural Marginal ?

While at the Families in Global Transition Conference last year I was able to hear intercultural communication specialist, Dr. Janet Bennett, discussing 'cultural marginality'. She defines this term as " a cultural lifestyle at the edges where two or more cultures meet". Cultural marginals would include (among others) refugees and immigrants, global nomads/TCKs and long-term adult sojourners in other cultures. Marginals living in this liminal space can be either encapsulated or constructive.

Encapsulated marginals, at core, have difficulty constructing a cohesive cultural identity. These individuals struggle to switch between the different frames of reference required by each culture they encounter; usually due to conflicting cultural cues and loyalties that remain unresolved. Encapsulated marginals may experience:

- Difficulty in making decisions and sticking to them
- Alienation from both/all cultures experienced
- A feeling of constant and isolating uniqueness
(terminal uniqueness)
- Difficulty establishing boundaries
- Difficulty in identifying personal truths that plays out in an extreme 'live and let live' stance
- Never, ever feeling at home

Constructive marginals, on the other hand, live in a state of what Muneo Yoshikawa calls, "dynamic in-betweenness". Rather than the either/or identity of encapsulation these individuals are able to live in a both/and state of integration of their various cultures. As Bennett says, " By maintaining control of choice and the construction of boundaries, a person may become a constructive marginal. This individual is able to construct context intentionally and consciously for the purpose of creating his or her own identity." Constructive marginals may experience:

- Knowledge of which cultural framework to use in making
decisions
- A feeling of authenticity in all of his/her cultures
- Cultural curiosity and a happy acknowledgement of
cultural difference
- A clear sense and understanding of personal truth
- A recognition of their reference group: other cultural
marginals
- A sincere understanding that one is never not at home in the world

As the incomparable Pico Iyer says,

"...the fact remains that humans have never lived with quite this kind of mobility and uprootedness before....A lack of affiliation may mean a lack of accountability, and forming a sense of commitment can be hard without a sense of community. Displacement can encourage the wrong kinds of distance, and if the nationalism we see sparking up around the globe arises from too narrow and fixed a sense of loyalty, the internationalism that's coming to birth may reflect too roaming and undefined a sense of belonging. The Global Soul may see so many sides of every question that he never settles on a firm conviction; he may grow so used to giving back a different self according to his environment that he loses sight of who he is when nobody's around. Even the most basic questions have to be answered by him alone, and when, on the planes where he may make his home, the cabin attendant passes down the aisle with disembarkation forms, it may be dificult for him to fill in any of the boxes: "Home Address," " Citizenship," "Purpose of Visit," even "Marital Status."
I can answer almost any of these questions from a variety of perspectives.... But though this can be a natural- and useful- enough impulse in response to the question, "Where do you come from?" it becomes more treacherous in answer to the question "Where do you stand?"

Families in Global Transition

I recently returned from the Families in Global Transition http://www.incengine.org/incEngine/?site=figt&art=about_us conference in Houston, Texas. The conference pulls service providers from every sector in which ex-pats are made (missions, foreign service, business and military).It was three days of the kinds of interactions a Third Culture Kid dreams of: intense, highly relational, straight to the point, shoot from the hip, we- must- have- been -separated- at -birth type connecting. I realized that my propensity to stare deeply into people's eyes while grabbing their arm before we have even exchanged names is culturally acceptable and indeed highly practiced at this conference. It was a wonderful reminder to me that as a "global nomad" I do indeed have a distinct, cohesive culture. It can get a bit cold out here in the margins or as Pico Iyer says "as one of the In-betweeners". It was a balm to my soul to slide so easily into a group of people as diverse as the crowd at the FIGT and to feel an ease of understanding, an ability to track and flow and operate with intellect and intuition in tandem instead of with my poor, overworked intuition continually scanning for cultural cues. In short, I felt as at home as someone without a geographically based sense of home can feel.

One of the best descriptions I have found of this feeling of coming home is in the novel, The Inheritance of Loss, by Kiran Desai. The character, Biju, is arriving home to India from New York city.

"Biju stood there in that dusty tepid soft sari night. Sweet drabness of home-he felt everything shifting and clicking into place around him, felt himself slowly shrink back to size, the enormous anxiety of being a foreigner ebbing- that unbearable arrogance and shame of the immigrant. Nobody paid attention to him here, and if they said anything at all, their words were easy, unconcerned. He looked about and for the first time in God knows how long, his vision unblurred and he found that he could see clearly."