CHALLENGES

Most TCK/MKs are able to maximise the benefits of their upbringing to dazzling effect. There are, however, certain challenges unique to the culture that can at times short-circuit healthy development. Whether you are an adult TCK or a parent to one it can be helpful to understand some of the ways in which TCKs can struggle.

UNRESOLVED GRIEF- Obviously TCKs do not have a corner on grief, however, there are aspects of the experience that can result in unresolved grief that is potentially damaging. Here are a few characteristics of losses TCKs experience that can result in unresolved grief:

- losses are MULTIPLE and SIMULTANEOUS- much MK loss occurs repeatedly and all at the same time. For example, with one plane ride an entire culture and community of friends is lost along with smells, foods, flora and fauna and language.

- losses are HIDDEN- and often experienced as the flip side of wonderful experiences. It is difficult to grieve when no one else appears to be and when you can't put your finger on what exactly it is that you have lost. For example, hidden losses of TCKs could include: a loss of status in their host or passport country, loss of an entire lifestyle, loss of culturally appropriate role models and mentors, loss of a past that wasn't, loss of a system identity such as a mission org or the military, repeated loss of control over environment.

- TCK loss has the potential to be UNACKNOWLEDGED and UNRESOLVED- when losses are hidden it is difficult to name them. Missionary kids especially can feel that they are unable to give voice to their hurts because often their grief is compared to a higher good and (unintentionally) discounted as a part of the "call" on their lives. This may be true (or not) but it is not comforting to a child's heart.

-TCK loss is often EXPERIENCED ALONE. All grief can be isolating but the combination of loss occurring in developmental years and as part of a family system that brings benefits as well as pain means that very often the TCK opts to experience his/her pain alone. Due to the isolation of the family unit the TCK has very few options to seek out for comfort. If the family is not functioning well the child grieves alone.

-Another commonly experienced source of unresolved grief is the weight of continued EXPOSURE TO PAIN and SUFFERING. Many MKs accompany their parents to difficult places. They see frightening and disturbing things. Their ability to assimilate the things that they see and sometimes experience personally depends on many factors. This sort of grief is widespread among missionary kids especially.

IDENTITY ISSUES- The formation of the core identity of a TCK is a complicated process. The TCK must synthesize two, three and sometimes more distinct cultural frames of reference. This takes a while! It takes longer to discover who you are and especially where you fit. When relationships have not been stable and long term it is difficult to see any cohesive reflection of yourself anywhere: culturally or in any sense. Identity is all about belonging to a tribe. When you don't know who your tribe is it is very bewildering. This can play out in many different ways:

UNEVEN MATURITY: TCKs can appear to be mature beyond their years and in many ways they are. They have often experienced more autonomy of movement than their monocultural peers, they often can communicate fluently in several languages, they can relate well to adults, they have been exposed to so much of the world that their knowledge base is very broad. On the other hand, TCKs can be extremely socially awkward in certain situations, especially in their passport culture. They also seem to need to maintain very close ties with their nuclear family for longer than seems "normal" to a monocultural. This can all be very bewildering to everyone involved. It can feel like dissonance to see a person who is so confident in some areas and so insecure in others. TCKs have a distinctly different developmental timeline than monoculturals!

DELAYED ADOLESCENCE: TCK adolescence seems to occur in the mid to late twenties and sometimes even later. This delay occurs for several reasons. The TCK has no single culture to push against during the teen years like the mono cultural does. Cultural rules are fluid and relative to the moment and are difficult to internalize and then differentiate from. In some TCKs this delay occurs because there has been such cultural compliance in the host country. It was simply impossible to push back in any way due to safety concerns or a deeply held desire to maintain credibility in the community or sponsoring organisation. Frequently this delayed adolescence can be a time where the TCK rebels. It is especially scary to witness a delayed adolescent rebellion because the stakes are so much higher when a rebellion occurs in the twenties as opposed to the teen years.

ITCHY FEET(Migratory Instinct): When there has been a lot of mobility in a child's life a migratory instinct can develop. Many TCKs feel a strong desire to move according to the pattern that they moved when they were young. Some TCKs will completely start over many, many times. Obviously there are benefits to this flexibility. When patterns of mobility effect intimate relationships or result in NO intimate relationships there is a problem. In extreme situations TCKs can use mobility (even excessive travel) to keep intimate relationships at bay.

RE-ENTRY: For many TCKs re-entry to the passport can be difficult and can trigger many of the above behaviours. The TCK often enters the passport country as a HIDDEN IMMIGRANT, one who looks like he belongs but has very little of the shared cultural experience of the passport nation. Depending on the age and personal wiring of the TCK this experience of marginality can be rough, especially when it is unexpected.