Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Detached Aloof Pattern

There are four or five common emotional patterns found in adult missionary kids. I am currently recovering from (among other things:)) the "Detached Aloof" emotional pattern. David L.Wickstrom describes it this way:

"One frequently observed set of behaviours in adult MKs is the detached aloof pattern. They have been hurt many, many times and decide they are never going to get hurt again. The picture that is often presented is: "I am independent; I don't need anybody; everybody can rely on me, but I don't need to rely on anybody else." The person may be very friendly and easy to talk with, but even after spending considerable time, you feel you don't really know who they are.
Many adult MKs have this detached aloof pattern, but it is even more common in adult MKs who attended boarding school as children and decided at some point, "I'm never going to get hurt again; I will be separate from other people and nobody is going to touch me. I am a rock that can handle anything." And many of them do. They are successful, strong, and very good at what they do, but they are also detached and aloof-untouchable. On the surface they may appear very stable; below the surface the reality may be that they don't let themselves feel."

You don't have to have attended boarding school to default to this pattern. You don't have to have experienced trauma or parental separation. This pattern is common to varying degrees in people who have said a lot of goodbyes or experienced cultural isolation at a very young age.

I recognized this pattern in myself when I realized that I NEVER process my feelings in real time. This has made for quite a build up which I have spent the last two years deconstructing and attempting to separate out strands of grief, loss, anger and trauma. I have recently had the opportunity to grieve cleanly, in real time, alongside people whom I have allowed into the process. What a difference!

6 comments:

Griselda Johnson said...

That's awesome that you have been able to work through these things.

C'hav said...

Hey!!! I have been meaning to congratulate you!!!!!!!! I am excited for you guys!

Unknown said...

Chav,

Did you write this Detached Aloof Pattern? Could this pattern be quite the same for pastor's kids? Think the hubby can relate to much of it. Neat to see you using your experiences to touch the lives of others! That's what life is about!

Johanna Lynn said...

I didn't know you were on blogger cousin..me too :) Now we can be even more involved in each others world. I'm excited!

-Jojo

http://warriorchick4him.blogspot.com/

Johanna Lynn said...

Oh and..."amen! amen!"

Very good post. Interestingly enough, I am NOT an MK adult, but I can identify with the deatched aloof pattern, hmmmmmmm..

Linda Jansson said...

Hey Chav, only just realised you had a blog. What an enlightening post. Really made me think back to our rides on the bus days and reflect on your aloofness. Not sure if it's the same thing but after Leonard's passing, I found that I compartmentalise events and feelings so that I'm able to get on with life and only ever now & then, go back to each box and lift the lid a little bit to grieve a bit at a time. I have often wondered if that was the best approach or whether to lift it wide open and deal it with it in one go? Not sure.