CHALLENGES

Most TCK/MKs are able to maximise the benefits of their upbringing to dazzling effect. There are, however, certain challenges unique to the culture that can at times short-circuit healthy development. Whether you are an adult TCK or a parent to one it can be helpful to understand some of the ways in which TCKs can struggle.

UNRESOLVED GRIEF- Obviously TCKs do not have a corner on grief, however, there are aspects of the experience that can result in unresolved grief that is potentially damaging. Here are a few characteristics of losses TCKs experience that can result in unresolved grief:

- losses are MULTIPLE and SIMULTANEOUS- much MK loss occurs repeatedly and all at the same time. For example, with one plane ride an entire culture and community of friends is lost along with smells, foods, flora and fauna and language.

- losses are HIDDEN- and often experienced as the flip side of wonderful experiences. It is difficult to grieve when no one else appears to be and when you can't put your finger on what exactly it is that you have lost. For example, hidden losses of TCKs could include: a loss of status in their host or passport country, loss of an entire lifestyle, loss of culturally appropriate role models and mentors, loss of a past that wasn't, loss of a system identity such as a mission org or the military, repeated loss of control over environment.

- TCK loss has the potential to be UNACKNOWLEDGED and UNRESOLVED- when losses are hidden it is difficult to name them. Missionary kids especially can feel that they are unable to give voice to their hurts because often their grief is compared to a higher good and (unintentionally) discounted as a part of the "call" on their lives. This may be true (or not) but it is not comforting to a child's heart.

-TCK loss is often EXPERIENCED ALONE. All grief can be isolating but the combination of loss occurring in developmental years and as part of a family system that brings benefits as well as pain means that very often the TCK opts to experience his/her pain alone. Due to the isolation of the family unit the TCK has very few options to seek out for comfort. If the family is not functioning well the child grieves alone.

-Another commonly experienced source of unresolved grief is the weight of continued EXPOSURE TO PAIN and SUFFERING. Many MKs accompany their parents to difficult places. They see frightening and disturbing things. Their ability to assimilate the things that they see and sometimes experience personally depends on many factors. This sort of grief is widespread among missionary kids especially.

IDENTITY ISSUES- The formation of the core identity of a TCK is a complicated process. The TCK must synthesize two, three and sometimes more distinct cultural frames of reference. This takes a while! It takes longer to discover who you are and especially where you fit. When relationships have not been stable and long term it is difficult to see any cohesive reflection of yourself anywhere: culturally or in any sense. Identity is all about belonging to a tribe. When you don't know who your tribe is it is very bewildering. This can play out in many different ways:

UNEVEN MATURITY: TCKs can appear to be mature beyond their years and in many ways they are. They have often experienced more autonomy of movement than their monocultural peers, they often can communicate fluently in several languages, they can relate well to adults, they have been exposed to so much of the world that their knowledge base is very broad. On the other hand, TCKs can be extremely socially awkward in certain situations, especially in their passport culture. They also seem to need to maintain very close ties with their nuclear family for longer than seems "normal" to a monocultural. This can all be very bewildering to everyone involved. It can feel like dissonance to see a person who is so confident in some areas and so insecure in others. TCKs have a distinctly different developmental timeline than monoculturals!

DELAYED ADOLESCENCE: TCK adolescence seems to occur in the mid to late twenties and sometimes even later. This delay occurs for several reasons. The TCK has no single culture to push against during the teen years like the mono cultural does. Cultural rules are fluid and relative to the moment and are difficult to internalize and then differentiate from. In some TCKs this delay occurs because there has been such cultural compliance in the host country. It was simply impossible to push back in any way due to safety concerns or a deeply held desire to maintain credibility in the community or sponsoring organisation. Frequently this delayed adolescence can be a time where the TCK rebels. It is especially scary to witness a delayed adolescent rebellion because the stakes are so much higher when a rebellion occurs in the twenties as opposed to the teen years.

ITCHY FEET(Migratory Instinct): When there has been a lot of mobility in a child's life a migratory instinct can develop. Many TCKs feel a strong desire to move according to the pattern that they moved when they were young. Some TCKs will completely start over many, many times. Obviously there are benefits to this flexibility. When patterns of mobility effect intimate relationships or result in NO intimate relationships there is a problem. In extreme situations TCKs can use mobility (even excessive travel) to keep intimate relationships at bay.

RE-ENTRY: For many TCKs re-entry to the passport can be difficult and can trigger many of the above behaviours. The TCK often enters the passport country as a HIDDEN IMMIGRANT, one who looks like he belongs but has very little of the shared cultural experience of the passport nation. Depending on the age and personal wiring of the TCK this experience of marginality can be rough, especially when it is unexpected.

Some of the perks....

There are two basic overlays to the life of the TCK/MK: MOBILITY and EARLY CROSS-CULTURAL EXPOSURE. It is through this matrix that MK development occurs. The effects of these two themes result in a distinct culture in spite of the diversity of experience represented by this group. A child raised by English business people in Dubai will have more in common culturally with a child raised by American missionaries to Singapore than either will with monocultural members of their passport culture(including their parents!).

In brief, some of the amazing perks of this upbringing are seen in who the TCK/MK grows up to be:

-Adaptable: These people are adaptable and generally at home with change. Many in this group seek out change as a way of life and feel most alive and “in the zone” in the adaptive state. They often relish the role of the pioneer and trailblazer. In fact, most MKs characterize adaptability as a core strength and an important and valued (and often hard won) aspect of their identity.

-Cross-culturally Savvy: Cross- cultural immersion at an early age usually results in heightened cultural sensitivity. MKs are often gifted interpreters of culture and are utilized as “bridge” people frequently in their professions. MKs can have an intuitive grasp of correct behavior in cultures they have encountered even infrequently. They are gifted observers and enter a new culture with their eyes, not their mouths! Their high comfort level even within a culture that is new to them means that often they are culturally adventurous and tolerant.

- Relational: MKs are generally very relational people. They place a high value on relationships and are gifted in their ability to maximize relationships and maintain them over geographical distances. Due to their exposure to so many kinds of people at a very young age they are often very broadly relationally competent and can find ways to relate to almost anyone. This early exposure also results in relational tolerance and acceptance and appreciation of all kinds of people.

-Compassionate: Most MKs have experienced life as a marginal minority. They have also grown up in families where ministry is the central focus. As a result they are very aware of the underdog and are drawn to advocacy and ministry that is focused on those who have no voice. In fact, over half of the TCK population seeks employment within the non-profit sector. This orientation outwards to the needs of the marginalized is a hallmark of the culture.

-Highly Motivated: This is a group of self-starters. For the most part MKs are highly motivated and productive people. They are generally fast-paced, independent and resourceful.

Norma McCaig summarizes these benefits well:

"The benefits of this upbringing need to be underscored: In an era when global vision is an imperative, when skills in intercultural communication, linguistic ability, mediation, diplomacy, and the management of diversity are critical, global nomads are better equipped in these areas by the age of eighteen than are many adults...These intercultural and linguistic skills are the markings of the cultural chameleon- the young participant observer who takes note of verbal and non-verbal cues and readjusts accordingly, taking on enough of the coloration of the social surroundings to gain acceptance while maintaining some vestige of identity as a different animal, an 'other.'"

Definition of TCK

"A TCK is an individual who, after having spent a significant part of the developmental years in a culture other than that of their parents,develops a sense of relationship to all of the cultures while not having full ownership in any. Elements from each culture are incorporated into the life experience, but the sense of belonging is in relationship to others of similar experience."

Third Culture Kids- The Experience of Growing Up Among Worlds
David C. Pollock and Ruth E. Van Reken

Home

Upon arrival in the "new" Narnia...


"It was the Unicorn who summed up what everyone was feeling. He stamped his right forehoof on the ground and neighed, and then cried:

'I have come home at last! This is my real country! I belong here. This is the land I have been looking for all my life, though I never knew it till now. The reason why we loved the old Narnia is that it sometimes looked a little like this. Bree-hee-hee! Come further up, come further in!'"


C.S.Lewis
The Last Battle

"A wise traveller never despises his own country."

Carlo Goldoni

Adult Missionary Kids

"How do we harness this colourfulness
and vibrancy for the sake of the Great
Commission while also nurturing
commitment to God and others,
Christ honouring accountability, a
firm conviction of personal identity,
comprehensive relational capacities,
and a willingness to grieve and to
resolve conflict?"

Dr Rosalea Cameron
To Recruit or not to Recruit Adult Missionary Kids: Is that (really) the question?

Another Way

"...But we've been home five months now, and I'm not sure we belong in California anymore either. We're struggling to reconcile the Mexican sky that now fills our hearts with the daily grind of a more or less upwardly mobile life...Perhaps we've become permanent expatriates- neither fish nor fowl, forever lost no matter our location. But this fluidity also means that we're now like mermaids and centaurs- magic creatures who always know there's another way."

Gina Hyams
EXPAT-Women's True Tales of Life Abroad

Norma McCaig's "Seven C's"

"We traveled through time and landscape in our own bubble, touching down here, resting there, floating for just a moment before gently- or not so gently- setting down again, always with the knowledge that no matter what happened outside our fragile shell, we were what counted- the 'us'."Adrienne Scherger-A Childhood Inbetween

Norma McCaig, the founder of Global Nomads International, has developed the seven "C"s for parenting TCKs. These "C"s are a wonderful reminder of ways to help your child form a strong core identity and mitigate loss. Here they are:

Caring and Communication-Your child's ability to feel your love and to communicate freely with you is extremely significant in any setting but is especially so for the family that is abroad. Cultivate a strong bond with your children and establish daily patterns of communication that help your children to debrief their days. A wonderful rhythm to adopt is that of the Examen. In the book Making Heart Bread, by Dennis Linn,Sheila Fabriant Linn, and Matthew Linn this process is described for children. This tool is a phenomenal way to teach children to take stock of their day and to sit with and care for their emotions. This tool is powerful in the prevention of accumulated grief and anger.(The Linns teach the Examen to adults in their wonderful book, Sleeping With Bread:Holding What Gives You Life) Children are much more likely to stay connected verbally in times of crisis when they have already formed a habit of doing so.

2- Collaboration- It is very common for TCKs to feel very little control over their lives, this belief can bleed into their theology and sense of identity. It is important to give these children as many real choices as you can. Encourage your children to take ownership for their surroundings,an obvious example would be to give them choice in the decor of their bedrooms. Teaching globally mobile children to nest and settle into their environment is a skill that many only learn in adulthood. "Living lightly" or resisting investment in both people and places can be a challenge that mobile people face. Collaborate with your child as you adjust to new environments. Teach them to make themselves physically comfortable in their new surroundings.
Collaboration is an important aspect of empowering the MK. When children consistently feel as though their input is sought out and valued and incorporated into their family's decision making process they begin to build confidence in their own ability to make decisions. Making decisions, especially long term decisions can be an area of weakness for many MKs. Early collaboration in family decisions can combat this tendency.
Many times missionaries have unique opportunities to collaborate with their children in the work that they do.When children feel as though they have been a valued part of their parent's ministry they tend to fare better in adolescence. Never assume that your children fully understand why you do what you do or even why you are in your host country.Regularly discuss all of the "whys" of your current situation. Use your vision casting skills in your home!


3- Continuity- There are four areas in which continuity may be practiced even for highly mobile people: furniture, photos, food and family rituals. Norma McCaig says to,"hang on to the first as much as possible from post to post, take lots of the second, for the third, prepare standard family comfort foods, and maintain and create a goodly number of the fourth."
It is important to remember when you engage in family rituals you are creating a history of shared practice with your children.These practices shape and provide visible structure to your shared heritage. You as the nuclear family are often the ONLY sharers of a unique and varied history where your unit is the only constant. Work hard to creatively express your family culture and regularly identify it to your children.
It is easier than at any other time in history to maintain connection and relational continuity with family and friends back in the passport country. Use the technology available to keep your children connected to their relatives. This goes a long way towards mitigating the perceived finality of a move and also helps to smooth a re-entry.

4- Closure and Connection- This is an area that is often overlooked. Unless parents have good closure skills kids have very few chances to pick them up. It is vital to learn about closure and walk your kids through healthy goodbyes. Remember that global nomad children say more goodbyes before the age of eighteen than many mono-culturals do in a lifetime. Even if you experience relatively low mobility abroad chances are that people are always in transition around you and your children are saying many, many goodbyes in spite of their relative geographic stability. The grief associated with these goodbyes can accumulate unless intentional effort is made to grieve productively. It can be dfficult and frightening to watch a child grieve. This is especially true if you have not done your own grieving. Communicate to your child that pain around goodbyes is an appropriate emotion that honours what the person ( or location, or pet, etc) has meant to you. Teach your children to incorporate things that they have valued about what or whom they have lost. For example, if your children deeply love an aspect of a culture that you are leaving, allow them to incorporate it into your family culture. If your children miss an especially kind friend,teach them to incorporate that kindness into their own values.
Dave Pollock, co-author with Ruth Van Reken of Third Culture Kids- The Experience of Growing Up Among Worlds developed the easy to remember acronym RAFT to remind sojourners of the importance of leaving right. RAFT is explained in the following link: http://theirrationalseason.blogspot.com/2008/04/raft.html Teach this to your children. Help them to start "building" three to six months before leaving if possible. Give them the RAFT tool and facilitate their completion of it as a way of helping them to feel in control of their grief process. Adjustment to the next location is directly related to how well you were able to leave the first. If there is unfinished business of any kind, especially relationally, it is difficult to give yourself completely to the next adjustment cycle.

5- Cultural Identity Confirmation- It is extremely important that in addition to confirming the national identities of MKs that their identities as global nomads are also confirmed. This is a place of potential conflict for many global nomads and their parents. It is important for parents to grasp that they are raising children who are forming a distinctly different cultural identity and that the end product may feel little or no allegiance to the passport culture. Dr. Barbara Schaetti of Transition Dynamics suggests several ways to reinforce this identity:

- Be sure that as parents you are aware of the benefits and challenges of an internationally mobile childhood. Discuss these with your older children and help them look for ways to use the skills they are learning.

- Affirm your child's ability to move seamlessly between cultures. Point out the ways in which they intuitively act appropriately in each of their cultures.

- Try to help your children find a peer group to whom they belong. When kids re-enter the passport country it is vital that they are able to connect with others who have lived internationally and share their cultural identity.

- Help your children to creatively think through ways in which their international childhood can help them meet their professional goals.

- Help your children to realise that the same skills they use in any cross cultural interaction can be objectified and used in their passport culture. Help them, via modeling, to approach culture in a non-judging, learning posture.

...an exile's feeling...

"I have been a queer mixture of the East and West, out of place everywhere, at home nowhere...I cannot be of the West. But in my own country, also, sometimes, I have an exile's feeling."

Jawaharlal Nehru
1st Prime Minister of India

Energy and Creativity

I can't be Japanese and I can't be Western- but I understand both. I am double-binded, but- and this is perhaps most important- I am also in a position that generates a great deal of energy and creativity."
Arata Isozaki
creator of "schizophrenic eclectic" architecture

Cat's Feet...

TCK/MK grief is sneaky. It creeps in on tiny cat's feet as the stamps in the passport pile up. It finds its way in between the African sunset and the family reunion in Chicago. It is grief that is very often the flip side of incredibly rich and varied experiences. For many TCKs it only begins to really make itself known in the early to mid thirties while for others it has been a companion since childhood. For the vast majority of globally nomadic people grief must be reckoned with. There are several reasons why this particular variety of grief can be difficult to spot and mitigate:

- losses are experienced during developmental years- when loss is experienced during childhood and very young adulthood it is processed very differently than in adulthood. It can be buried much more deeply and can be difficult to access and understand.

- losses are multiple and simultaneous- much MK loss occurs repeatedly and all at the same time. For example, with one plane ride an entire culture and community of friends is lost along with smells, foods, flora and fauna and language.

- losses are hidden- and often experienced as the flip side of wonderful experiences, who wouldn't want to visit all of the extended family in four states and then fly back to Bangkok via Manila?? It is difficult to grieve when no one else appears to be and when you can't put your finger on what exactly it is that you have lost. For example, hidden losses of TCKs could include: a loss of status in their host or passport country, loss of an entire lifestyle, loss of culturally appropriate role models and mentors, loss of a past that wasn't, loss of a system identity such as a mission org or the military, repeated loss of control over environment.

- TCK loss has the potential to be unacknowledged and unresolved- when losses are hidden it is difficult to name them. Missionary kids especially can feel that they are unable to give voice to their hurts
because often their grief is compared to a higher good and discounted as a part of the "call" on their lives. This may be true (or not) but it is not comforting to a child's heart.

-TCK loss is often experienced alone. All grief can be isolating but the combination of loss occurring in developmental years and as part of a family system that brings benefits as well as pain means that very often the TCK opts to experience his/her pain alone. Due to the isolation of the family unit the TCK has very few options to seek out for comfort. If the family is not functioning well the child grieves alone.

" If mission agencies are to recruit MKs into adult missionary service they need to begin with the current generation of MKs; these who are yet children need to be the focus of mobilization personnel. If we invest in the lives of these ones who are still in the process of understanding the character of God and of choosing an autonomous identity , we have the greatest opportunity of mobilizing an army of missionaries in the next generation who are well equipped for the ongoing mandate of the Great Commission."

Dr Rosalea Cameron
International Journal of Frontier Missions

Hidden Context

"Once I knew a charm to bring a snail out of its shell, but it was in a language I no longer know in a country I shall never live in again...There was an unalterable otherness that comes from being raised in a very different time and place, perhaps one that has made me a perpetual traveler..I shall always know that the bridge of my nose is too high."
Betsy-raised in China

TCKs often have a fascinating backstory that never seems relevant in their passport country. They have a context that has shaped them that is completely hidden from the world that they have re-entered and are currently navigating. This issue is addressed in the book Hidden Immigrants- Legacies of Growing Up Abroad by Linda Bell. In it a TCK describes what it is like to access her hidden context after many years:

"...I hadn't been in Africa for many, many years- not since Zaire in 1975...So I thought, how much of this is left from my childhood?...Is there anything that is really in me, or was it just an experience? We touched down in Nairobi and I was right back home in five seconds..the closeness of the atmosphere, the humidity, the hibiscus- everything was just screaming. " You're home, you're home!"...then..out on safari, and all of a sudden this stuff I didn't know I knew started coming out of my mouth which I didn't know I knew about these animals, about their habits and about how rock hyraxes are the closest relative to the elephant. Everybody looked at me like, "You're out of your mind"..It was all stuff I had learned from being on safaris before in East Africa and just stuff I accumulated; information that had been totally useless to me all the rest of my life and had never come out of hiding...So there are all these compartmentalized bits of knowledge that I never use in this country- and never have the right clues to open the floodgates and tap into that stuff. Yet under the right circumstances, obviously, it's right there."